Things haven't exactly been going right for me of late. Everything seems like a mess. The best part is, I preach to everyone that God is good even in bad circumstances. And recently, I just spoke to a group of people about how good God is, and just how little we realise that. We just don't realise how much we have.
The trait of human frailty? We dun appreciate the things we have till we loose it. Adam and Eve had everything they ever wanted. But they looked at the one tree of forbidden fruit and thought of God as bad. They thought He withheld from them something good. So in these circumstances, should I focus on the problems? or should I just look ard me and after putting things into perspective, realise that God is good in so many other ways.
The magnitude of a problem is only magnified by our constant attention to it. In a way, by concentrating on it, we seem to give it a life of its own. Think abt it, on days that are bad, we tend to dwell too much on the first bad thing that happened, and as we wallow in that situation, by not focussing on other things that are more important, we scew them up as well. Thus one bad thing leads to another and then we end up having a bad day.
Depression starts when you have a couple of bad days. Doesn't it ever surprise you that people with dissabilities seem to be less depressed than their able-bodied people. If only we could thank God for what we have all the time. Life would be more worth the living. It fills us with purpose and direction.
As I'm writing this, I'm preaching this to myself. Somehow, during the past few days, I started to look at the things that didn't really matter. I started to look at my life and focus on things that I didn't have. I decided that I was worse off cause I lacked all these things. But I'm able-bodied even if i'm not tall. I have a house even if its not a home. I have friends even if they are not always there. I am rich in so many things, even if I dun drive a BMW 6 Series Convertible. And I have a relationship with my Creator. There are billions out there in the world worse off than me. So I am thankful.
Recently, my dad was found to have dreaded disease. It shook me. My dad has always been health conscious. I have never seen my dad sick in my life. I must admit, it was difficult for me to see him like this. He's always been that strong guy to me. He led a tough life and though he is tough on the outside, the one thing I love abt him is how emotional he is. Heh, he's kind of an oxymoron.
The thing is, I never got to see him often. My parents were seperated when I was only 3 and so I hardly ever got to see him. It was always very difficult for me cause I loved my dad a lot. Every so often, we (me and my sis), would get a rare chance to meet him, or stay with him. And we would love it. You see, not having a dad ard is really hard. My mum was great, dun get me wrong. She did everything she could and she's lovely in every way, but at the end of the day, a kid needs both his mum and dad. A dad brings comfort in a different way that a mum does.
Well, all that is a different story altogether. Back to where I was. So it was difficult to see him like this. And somehow, I became a source of hope for him and my step-mom (hate using this term on her) and my half-sisters (hate using this term on them cause I love them so much). I have always had a tendency to remain positive even in tough situations cause of my trust in God and this positive spirit turned out to be something the family needed. Over the course of his operation and recovery, I had been that tower of strength to him.
Then just a few days ago, we found out that the ordeal wasn't over at all. And it was tough for me.
It wasn't easy being that tower of strength. I'll readily admit that. And now, I wasn't just that tower of strength. I was also asked to make really difficult decisions concerning the mode of my dad's rehabilitation process. It was difficult cause they all had their own side effects and these side effects were really severe. One of them had a 40% chance that my dad would permanantly loose his sense of touch! Thats how bad it was. And now I was being asked which one would I want him to take. And whatever I chose, the whole family would accept it. So you could say the burden was on me.
For the longest time in my life, I have been big brother to many people. I have been a big brother for my family, for my friends and my loved ones. I never really ever had a problem being there for people. But this time, the weight was too strong. And there were other issues that were bothering me as well at the same time (but we shan't get into that right now).
For the first time in my life, I wished I had a big brother. I didn't wanna play big brother anymore. I needed a comforter, a counsellor, a mentor who could give me the answers to life that I suddenly so needed. I must admit, for once in my life, I was lost.
And suddenly I longed for a mate. I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed someone to tell me that what I was doing was right. I needed someone to hold my hand and squeeze it. I suddenly wanted to be loved. I've been loving people so much and giving so much... but now I needed someone to love me like that. I couldn't take it anymore.
But alas, in my darkest moments, when I needed someone to be there for me, no one was. Those who promised to be there never picked up their phones. Alas, I was alone and stricken. Lost and dying on the inside. To everyone else, I was okay. I carried on with my work with a smile on my face, but with a heart that was desperately low on love. To make things worse, other problems I was dealing with suddenly became worse. I must say that I had never felt the way I felt yesterday ever in my life. I was on ground zero. I had nothing to give anymore. No love to give anymore. No life to give. Nothing...
(This will be continued tomorrow or whenever I can finish it, I'm too tired to write anymore tonight. The story is continuing even now. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day. My hope is in you alone God. Those who hope in You will not be put to shame)