Low (Part 2)

You know, sometimes I wonder why everything has to happen at once. Just when I thought that everything was looking up for once yesterday, everything just fell again today.

This struggle is getting tiring. I need to get out of this state. I need some respite. I need a break. *sigh*

I started this blog some time ago and I called it, "all about the boy, and his God." I started it because I wanted to talk about God. I wanted Him to be the centre of my life, and in turn, the centre of my writing. Some may think me pious (and I have often gotten this remark) and others may think I'm just plain fanatical (not that I really care what they think), but God really is very central to my life. And so this is my blog and I have the right to say anything and whatever I want (except abt the powers that be, that is the 'gah-men', say it out, you'll get it)

But God never was this central to my life. I was happy, running around and loving and living life to the fullest. I thought I was going to have a great life. But then one thing after another crumbled. My great dreams became nightmares. And they were real. So what does a boy with no way out do? He goes to God.

'How typical,' you must be thinking. Turning to God only when you have a problem. Well, I suppose its a bit "matlabhi" (an indian term meaning that you only go to someone when you need something from him), but it was all I got. So I turned to Him, and there He was, waiting. Patiently. Just waiting.

So we (me & God) started this journey together. In time, I learned to trust Him, and to depend on Him. I learned that His way are always perfect, and that He is incredibly funny (trust me He is). I also learned that He is a good God who loves me, and Who cares for me. So I started to make Him central in my life. Everything I started to do, I had Him on my mind. I consulted Him first before making decisions. In everything that I did, I wanted to glorify Him. I wanted to be good, because He is good.

In time, my actions had meaning. My life had a direction, up. I was going somewhere. Everything that I did or said became full of purpose. I was alive again.

You must be wondering now why I used the past tense. Because I'm not at that place right now...

In the past few weeks, as usual, I had put God before everything I said and did. My decisions were based purely on Him. And somehow every one of those decisions has hit me hard on the face. Somehow, eventhough I chose to obey and make those decisions based on Him, it seems to have gone wrong the very moment I made those decisions. And I dun know why. When I choose to give someone hope, it gets thrown out the window. When I choose to be brave and tell the truth, no one takes it seriously. When I choose to love, I get shot at (not literally, of course)

*sigh* But I still know that I made those decisions based on Him. And I still know that He is good. Maybe I just need to wait a little while more.

Life shouldn't have to be this hard. It shouldn't be a struggle.

As far as my Dad is concerned, he has decided to take the most dangerous rehabilitation process. Its not something I approve of, but its his life, I can only advise, only he can make that final decision.

Tomorrow will be a better day I pray. I may not be getting results now, but I'll continue doing whatever God wants me to do, no matter how bad circumstances seem. He's my God... and I'm His boy...