Thursday, October 11, 2007

From the Book: It's Not About Me, Chap 1: Bumping Life Off Self-Center

Blame the bump on Copernicus. Until Copernicus came along in 1543, we earthlings enjoyed center stage. Fathers could place an arm around their children, point to the night sky, and proclaim, “The universe revolves around us.”

Aah, the hub of the planetary wheel, the navel of the heavenly body, the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue of the cosmos. Ptolemy’s second-century finding convinced us. Stick a pin in the center of the stellar map, and you’ve found the earth. Dead center.

And, what’s more, dead still! Let the other planets vagabond through the skies. Not us. No sir.We stay put. As predictable as Christmas. No orbiting. No rotating. Some fickle planets revolve 180 degrees from one day to the next. Not ours. As budgeless as the Rock of Gibraltar. Let’s hear loud applause for the earth, the anchor of the universe.

But then came Nicolaus Copernicus with his maps, drawings, bony nose, Polish accent, and pestering questions. Oh, those questions he asked. “Ahem, can anyone tell me what causes the seasons to change?”“Why do some stars appear in the day and others at night?” “Does anyone know exactly how far ships can sail before falling off the edge of the earth?”

“Trivialities!” people scoffed. “Who has time for such problems? Smile and wave, everyone. Heaven’s homecoming queen has more pressing matters to which to attend.”

But Copernicus persisted. He tapped our collective shoulders and cleared his throat. “Forgive my proclamation, but,” and pointing a lone finger toward the sun, he announced,“behold the center of the solar system.”

The news wasn’t well received. People denied the facts for over half a century. When like-minded Galileo came along, they imprisoned him.You’d have thought he had called the king a stepchild or the pope a Baptist.The throne locked him up, and the church kicked him out. People didn’t take well to demotions back then. We still don’t.

What Copernicus did for the earth, God does for our souls. Tapping the collective shoulder of humanity, he points to the Son—his Son—and says, “Behold the center of it all.”

“God raised him [Christ] from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church” (Ephesians 1:20–22 MSG).

When God looks at the center of the universe, he doesn’t look at you. When heaven’s stagehands direct the spotlight toward the star of the show, I need no sunglasses. No light falls on me. Lesser orbs, that’s us. Appreciated. Valued. Loved dearly. But central? Essential? Pivotal? Nope. Sorry. Contrary to the Ptolemy within us, the world does not revolve around us. Our comfort is not God’s priority. If it is, something’s gone awry. If we are the marquee event,how do we explain flat-earth challenges like death, disease, slumping economies, or rumbling earthquakes? If God exists to please us, then shouldn’t we always be pleased?

Could a Copernican shift be in order? Perhaps our place is not at the center of the universe. As John Piper writes, “God does not exist to make much of us. We exist to make much of him.”

It’s not about you. It’s not about me. The moon models our role. What does the moon do? She generates no light. Contrary to the lyrics of the song, this harvest moon cannot shine on.Apart from the sun, the moon is nothing more than a pitch black, pockmarked rock. But properly positioned, the moon beams. Let her do what she was made to do, and a clod of dirt becomes a source of inspiration, yea, verily, romance. The moon reflects the greater light. And she’s happy to do so! You never hear the moon complaining. She makes no waves about making waves. Let the cow jump over her or astronauts step on her; she never objects.

Even though sunning is accepted while mooning is the butt of bad jokes, you won’t hear ol’ Cheeseface grumble. The moon is at peace in her place. And because she is, soft light touches a dark earth.

What would happen if we accepted our place as Son reflectors? Such a shift comes so stubbornly, however. We’ve been demanding our way and stamping our feet since infancy. Aren’t we all born with a default drive set on selfishness? I want a spouse who makes me happy and coworkers who always ask my opinion. I want weather that suits me and traffic that helps me and a government that serves me. It is all about me. We relate to the advertisement that headlined, “For the man who thinks the world revolves around him.” A prominent actress justified her appearance in a porn magazine by saying, “I wanted to express myself.”

Self-promotion. Self-preservation. Self-centeredness. It’s all about me! They all told us it was, didn’t they? Weren’t we urged to look out for number one? Find our place in the sun? Make a name for ourselves? We thought self-celebration would make us happy… But what chaos this philosophy creates. What if a symphony followed such an approach? Can you imagine an orchestra with an “It’s all about me” outlook? Each artist clamoring for self-expression. Tubas blasting nonstop. Percussionists pounding to get attention. The cellist shoving the flutist out of the center-stage chair. The trumpeter standing atop the conductor’s stool tooting his horn. Sheet music disregarded. Conductor ignored. What do you have but an endless tune-up session! Harmony? Hardly. Happiness? Are the musicians happy to be in the group? Not at all. Who enjoys contributing to a cacophony? You don’t. We don’t. We were not made to live this way. But aren’t we guilty of doing just that?

No wonder our homes are so noisy, businesses so stress-filled, government so cutthroat, and harmony so rare. If you think it’s all about you, and I think it’s all about me, we have no hope for a melody. We’ve chased so many skinny rabbits that we’ve missed the fat one: the God-centered life.What would happen if we took our places and played our parts? If we played the music the Maestro gave us to play? If we made his song our highest priority? Would we see a change in families? We’d certainly hear a change. Less “Here is what I want!”More “What do you suppose God wants?”

What if a businessman took that approach? Goals of money and name making, he’d shelve. God reflecting would dominate. And your body? Ptolemaic thinking says, “It’s mine; I’m going to enjoy it.” God-centered thinking acknowledges, “It’s God’s; I have to respect it.”

We’d see our suffering differently. “My pain proves God’s absence” would be replaced with “My pain expands God’s purpose.”

Talk about a Copernican shift. Talk about a healthy shift. Life makes sense when we accept our place. The gift of pleasures, the purpose of problems—all for him. The God-centered life works. And it rescues us from a life that doesn’t.

But how do we make the shift? How can we be bumped off self-center? Attend a seminar, howl at the moon, read a Lucado book? None of these (though the author appreciates that last idea).We move from me-focus to Godfocus by pondering him. Witnessing him. Following the counsel of the apostle Paul: “Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, [we] are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord”(2 Corinthians 3:18 KJV). Beholding him changes us. Couldn’t we use a change? Let’s give it a go. Who knows? We might just discover our place in the universe.

Take My Hand, And Dance With Me

Hush now my love
Do you not hear the silence that music brings?
All storms are belittled, all troubles cease to exist
And all that's left is you and me

Take my hand, and dance with me
As all striving cease to be
Take my heart and let them see
That its just you and me, just you and me

Beautiful is it not?
For love in secret is sweet
Taste and see, it brings desire to our souls
As honey brings satisfaction to our bones

Take my hand, and dance again
It's just you and me, just you and me
Do not fear, for love conquers all
Love conquers all, just watch and see

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

to you, my dear.... friend....

u know who u are...

Sometimes, the winter seems so cold
and all u see around u is the darkness
and u feel like your whole world is caving in
and u don't know why...

Remember, that spring is just round the corner
remember that the sun will shine its rays upon u in time
remember that it is in the eye of the storm that u will find peace
remember that ur mistakes will turn into masterpieces

I just want u to know, that i admire the strength i see in u.
I just want u to know, that i see u clothed in gracefulness and peace
I just want u to know, that i never want to see u give in, or give up
I just want u to know, that i'm right here with u, and that i'll hold ur hand and see you through

and my prayer for u is this...
"yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death
i shall fear no evil, for ur rod and ur staff, they comfort me"

"surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life"
Psalm 23

Never give up, never give in
cream always rises to the top...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Battle Lust

The boy looked at the giant before him. He said a prayer within himself, "though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i shall fear no evil, your rod and your staff, they comfort me.."

The demon before him laughed. "I have sought to kill you many times boy. But you were kept from me. Everytime i almost had you, somehow you escaped. But not today. Today i will feed you to the ravens. Today, you will be mine."

The boy put his cross into his tunic and looked up. Anger stained his ruddy face. "You destroyed my family. Destroyed my childhood. Destroyed my dreams. And today you wish to destroy my love?" He looked at the girl of his dreams laying on the ground, wounded from a blow from the demon. "Not today, today i will destroy you. Love never fails..."

Before he could finish, the demon screamed and lunged forward in battle cry. The boy drew his sword from its sheath and ran toward the gangly beast. The boy was no match for the demon king. The demon king was a mighty conquerer of many battles and twice the size of the youth before him. He had met the boy many times before in battle. He had sought to kill the boy because the boy came from a line of kings and priests. The prophesy had said, that the one born of a royal priesthood would destroy him.

The demon had tried to destroy the boy in his infancy, but a force greater than he saved the boy. So he destroyed his family. He destroyed everything he could that was close to the boy because he could never finish him off. "I will be able to weaken the boy as long as i destroy everything that belongs to him."

But the boy only grew in strength. Everytime he was knocked down, he got up. And everytime he got up, he got stronger. But the demon found a loop-hole. His Love. Those who love are weak. Or so the demon thought. He attacked her, wounding her to weaken the heart of the youth. And now he had him in his sight. One on one. No escape. Just he and the boy.

"Boom!!!" The echo of that first clash echoed through the valleys. The boy tumbled from that first blow. But before he had time to think, the demon was upon him, striking the demon weapon toward where he lay. He rolled away and sprung to his feet fast. His anger controlled his movements and he hit back at the demon. The two sparred for some time. But the boy was slowing down and the demon looked as strong as ever. Finally, the demon gave a mighty swing of his demon axe and the boy buckled from the blow. His shield broke in two. He was defenceless now. And he was on the ground, and his strength gone from him.

Then he saw her. His love. She moved her lips. Then, a gentle thunder spoke in his heart, "love never fails.."
Just as the demon started to swing his axe, the boy got to his feet. The demon stopped and looked wondrously at him. The boy pointed his sword to the heavens and suddenly, a glow started to envelope the sword. Then, the boy lowered the sword and pointed it in defiance to the demon king.

The demon king didn't like it. With a battle scream that pierced the heavens, the demon swung his axe again. But the boy wasn't fighting with anger now. He fought with love. He fought for love. The boy side stepped the demon as he clumsily fell forward. The boy now engaged the demon. The ring of the metals as they clashed now sounded like music to the boy's ears. And he began to dance. The dance of a champion.

He danced around the demon now. He was now fighting with the passion that burned within him. The demon had never seen anyone fight like that before. And for once, he didn't know how to retaliate. The boy's weapon now flashed in the sunlight and he was now one with his sword.

The boy now enraptured by the music in his ears, closed his eyes. He was fighting with his eyes closed! All the demon was doing now was to defend himself. But he was growing weaker and the boy was getting faster, sharper, stronger. He had never experienced anything like this before.

Then with a mighty blow,the boy knocked the demon's axe from his grip. The boy stopped dancing. He opened his eyes. "Perfect love casts out all fear." And with that, he plunged his sword into the demon.

"Remember, love never fails..."

Sunday, August 13, 2006

To You, My Comforter, My Friend, My God...

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up... To more than I can be

Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up

I sat in service today, and cried.
And I didn't stop crying. I couldn't.
As I waded in your love for me, my soul cried out
I can't be strong anymore..

But you held me in your arms
You comforted me
You raised me up
You wiped away all my tears

I always took you for granted
But you never stopped loving me
I walked away, and you let me go
but you were never far behind

The moment I fell
You were there to catch me
As I look into your eyes of love for me
I wonder, why did I ever let you go

You are my hero
You are my best friend
You are my king
You are my God

Don't ever let me go
Don't ever take your love away from me
I now know my true love
I now know it is you

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

In Pursuit Of... (Part 1)

Okay, so i was having a pretty bad day. Was. Past tense.

Ever since i came back from Darwin, i've been in the pursuit of happiness. Whatever made me happy, i indulged in. I told myself when i was there that that was what i was going to do. Like i said in my earlier blog, i had been miserable for the last 2 years that it started to become normal for me to be miserable. You just start to think that thats a part of who you are, being miserable.

But when i was in Darwin, i was happy. Not just for a day, or a few hours, but for a whole week. You must be thinking now, a whole week? Thats it? A whole week of being happy made you realise so much?

I've not been happy for a WHOLE week in ages okay? So SUE ME!!! It's a big deal. No phone calls, no work, no issues to solve, no s***!

But that isn't what life is about Jay. Life will have its struggles. Life will have its good times, and bad times. Of course you had fun there, it was like a holiday, but you need to come back down to reality.

Fact of the matter is, i am living in reality. I'm going to live my life like i'm on vacation. I mean sure i have to work, but why be a slave to money? I should work in a place that makes me wanna get up and say, "yay, i can't wait to go to work!" Why can't i look at an issue and say, "well, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get"

i just told R today that i never wanna grow up. Being child-ish is one thing, but to be child-like is another. Ask a kid what he/she wants to be, and they'll tell you, "A doctor, an actor, a scientist, chicken little..." Have they studied enough to be a doctor or a scientist? Have they aquired any skills in acting? Do they have the ability to fly or do the chicken little dance? Yet they have the facinating ability to live beyond their abilities. They have that one skill that we adults seem to have forgotten. They have the ability to dream. And you know what? Growing up sucks! Cause growing up destroys dreams.

Who says you can't be whatever you want to be? Who says you have to struggle to survive? Who says you need money to enjoy life? I'm telling you now, all that is a load of BULL!!!

Forgive me for my language, but i dun really care for what anybody thinks of me anymore. You know, for so long, i've cared abt what the world thinks of me. But come a lil closer and i'll let you in on a lil secret... You can do all the right things in the world, but you will still be judged. So you know what, do whatever makes you happy.

And so thats what i'm going to do. I'm not going to grow up. I'm gonna keep dreaming. I'll be whatever i wanna be, and i'll do whatever i wanna do.

BTW, i wanna be an actor, a teacher, a rock star, spiderman...

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Carpe Diem

It's been a while now since I last wrote. I haven't felt like writing for some time cause I was so muddled up. I was like a freak show trying to find where I fitted in. I was like a jigsaw that needed so desperately to conform, to find my place in the scenery of life. I wanted to be complete, to be a part of something so much bigger.

So I cut myself so many times, looking at where I could fit in. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. Somehow, my piece just wouldn't fit. Sometimes, life is more than just fitting in. Sometimes, life is a journey. Sometimes, it takes a little longer to find your place, but rather than conform and be unhappy, just keep looking. You'll know you've arrived when you're happy.

I went to Darwin last Monday for a performance there *hears lots of "wah(s)!". I was there for a week. And in that time, I forged a few new friendships that I know I will wanna keep for all the days of my life. Why were these friendships so important?

Sometimes, when you start getting close to where you belong, you start to recognise the scenery a lot more. The other pieces start to resemble you. I saw in these people facets of me.

They were people who resembled so much of who I really am, of what I really stand for. I suddenly knew what I wanted of this life. And for the first time, I suddenly knew what I needed to do to get it.

You see, for the longest time, I let society dictate my life, my happiness. I let the norms of mortality lead me. But I'm not normal. I've always known that. And somehow, I've always wanted to be like everyone else.

But I don't belong here, I belong somewhere else. And through these people, I saw who I really was. I knew what I wanted. For so long, I've been so miserable and confused. Cause I gave in and thought that I had to keep giving in to be happy.

But being happy is not about doing, its about being. I just have to be happy, not do things to make me happy.

So I know now, that no matter what, happiness is the most important thing. No matter what I do, even if the world thinks badly of me, as long as I'm happy, thats all that matters. Its better to be poor and happy, than rich and sad. Money can't buy happiness. I can live in a small house and take public transport and still be happy. Because life simply isn't abt the things you have, but the friendships that you make and the lives that you invest in.

I want to live. And I will. And I always want to be happy. And I will be. And for once, I won't let society dictate my life. No one will dictate my life. Only God has a right to. And in God I trust.

Carpe Diem my friends, Carpe Diem...

Monday, May 01, 2006

Break Through the Wall

You're running the race set before you, moving full speed ahead with God's blessing overtaking you at every step. Then suddenly, wham! You hit the wall. It may be a wall of sickness or financial trouble, of spiritual failure or family problems. But, regardless of the form it takes, the effect of "the wall" is always the same. It stops you cold.

The question is, once you hit a wall like that, what will you do? You'll be tempted to quit, to turn back in defeat. But don't do it. Because God will enable you to break through that wall and keep right on going.

I'm not going to tell you it's easy. The truth is, it's tough. But you have to push on through the tough times if you're ever going to have a breakthrough.

Ask any athlete. He'll tell you that! Because if he's a winner, he's been there. He's pushed his body to what seems to be the maximum. His side has hurt. His lungs have ached. He's had cramps in his legs and thighs. And just when he felt like he couldn't go on, he's heard some coach yell, "Come on! Move it!"

Athletes call that "hitting the wall." It's a time when the body says, "That's it. That's all I can do. I can't go any further. I can't go any faster. I quit."

But the seasoned athlete knows that "the wall" isn't the end. It's a signal that he's on the verge of a breakthrough. If he'll toughen up and push himself a little more, he'll get a second wind. Suddenly, he'll go faster than before. He'll reach a level of excellence he couldn't have reached any other way.

When you feel the worst, when failure is breathing down your neck, press into the Word as never before. You may meditate on a particular scripture for days and even weeks sometimes, trying to get a revelation of it, seemingly without success. Then suddenly, like the dawn of the morning, light will come pouring in. You'll see the way to break through. All you have to do is punch one little hole in that wall of problems, dig one tiny hole in it with your faith and with the Word of God.

Then keep tearing away at that hole. Don't quit! And, before long, the forces of God will come bursting through, demolishing every obstacle in their path!

Once that happens you'll never be the same again. You'll be hooked. It will only take one breakthrough like that to make a never-dying, never-quitting champion out of you.

Scripture Reading: 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Written By Kenneth Copeland
This Post is taken from

Saturday, April 29, 2006


Sometimes, in our lives, we need to make a stand. A statement that gives meaning to our very existence. A place where we say we're not moving no matter what happens.

I'm sick and tired of giving in to the patterns of this dying world. I'm sick and tired of trying so hard to achieve things that don't matter. I'm sick and tired, and sick and tired, and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Sometimes something happens to change your life. That something broke in me. Actually, it broke me. I layed on the floor a shattered mess. My mind tormented and my soul anguished. I was in a pit, and there was no way out. I was smashed up like shattered pottery.

But something happened. Someone came along. He looked at my broken life and slowly but surely, he began to remould and remake. At first, he mashed me up, and it was painful. "Why are you doing this?" I cried out. I didn't understand. I couldn't.

Then he left me in water to revitalise me. "Why did you bring me this far just to leave me?" I wept aloud. I didn't understand. I wouldn't.

Then he took the clay and started to remould again. Slowly, the clay came to shape and size. After many long hours, it was done. The potter made me whole again.

"You were meant for my purpose, but you fell away from me and shattered into a million pieces. I heard your anguished cry and ran to rescue you. You never understood, but i knew what i was doing. I was restoring you. You are whole again, and now you can serve the purpose for which you were made."

The time is here to stand up for truth, love and justice. That's what its all about. Take away the lights and the cameras, the guitars and drums and all that goes with it... still the song remains-
A song of salvation, a song of praise. Its the sound of this generation connecting with their saviour in spirit and in truth... Its about me being consumed and changed from the inside out. And choosing to live it out.

This is my anthem. This is my song.
I'll stand...

'i know that you're alive
you came to fix my broken life
and i'll sing to glorify
your holy name, Jesus Christ'
Hillsong United
'fire fall down'
From the album "We Stand"

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Take My Life

Take My Life And Let It Be,
Consecrated, Lord To Thee;
Take My Moments And My Days
Let Them Flow In Ceaseless Praise

By Francis R. Havergal & A.C. Malan

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I said

I said I would be your tower of strength, and I still am
I said I would be here cheering you on in this race of life, my applause still rings true
I said I would be here always, here I am still,
I said you're the one that I love the most in the world, and its still true...

You know who you are...

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Carpenter

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tyre made him lose an hour of work,his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.As we walked towards the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.Afterward he walked me to the car. As we passed the tree, my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh that's my trouble tree", he replied.

"I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure,troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick them, there ain't nearly as many as I remembered hanging up the night before".

Author Unknown

Friday, February 24, 2006


The first real genuine smile on my face this week.
I guess life isn't so bad after all.

I may not have many things. But I have much more than I dun have.
I have a life. I have the breath in my nostrils. I can smell the rain before it pours. I have a song in my heart, and I have hope in the inner recesses of my very being.

I've found myself at last. I found myself in Him. In my Creator. My Salvation, my Kinsman Redeemer. My Shepherd. My King.

Joy bubbles forth like a fountain from within me. I can't help it. O' the joy of being alive. I can't explain it. My life is complete. There's a skip in my step. What love is this, that fills my heart so?

For all of you that have been there for me, whether in body, spirit or mind, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

For all that I've been cold to, or haven't had the time to spend with, forgive me...

For you, the love of my life, you mean much more than rubies or pearls.

And last but not least, to you Jesus, thank you for everything :)

Life is good...
Because He is good....

Jesus said, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened,
and I will cause you to rest.
[I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]

Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me,
for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.

For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant),
and My burden is light and easy to be borne.

Matthew 11:28-30

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Low (Part 2)

You know, sometimes I wonder why everything has to happen at once. Just when I thought that everything was looking up for once yesterday, everything just fell again today.

This struggle is getting tiring. I need to get out of this state. I need some respite. I need a break. *sigh*

I started this blog some time ago and I called it, "all about the boy, and his God." I started it because I wanted to talk about God. I wanted Him to be the centre of my life, and in turn, the centre of my writing. Some may think me pious (and I have often gotten this remark) and others may think I'm just plain fanatical (not that I really care what they think), but God really is very central to my life. And so this is my blog and I have the right to say anything and whatever I want (except abt the powers that be, that is the 'gah-men', say it out, you'll get it)

But God never was this central to my life. I was happy, running around and loving and living life to the fullest. I thought I was going to have a great life. But then one thing after another crumbled. My great dreams became nightmares. And they were real. So what does a boy with no way out do? He goes to God.

'How typical,' you must be thinking. Turning to God only when you have a problem. Well, I suppose its a bit "matlabhi" (an indian term meaning that you only go to someone when you need something from him), but it was all I got. So I turned to Him, and there He was, waiting. Patiently. Just waiting.

So we (me & God) started this journey together. In time, I learned to trust Him, and to depend on Him. I learned that His way are always perfect, and that He is incredibly funny (trust me He is). I also learned that He is a good God who loves me, and Who cares for me. So I started to make Him central in my life. Everything I started to do, I had Him on my mind. I consulted Him first before making decisions. In everything that I did, I wanted to glorify Him. I wanted to be good, because He is good.

In time, my actions had meaning. My life had a direction, up. I was going somewhere. Everything that I did or said became full of purpose. I was alive again.

You must be wondering now why I used the past tense. Because I'm not at that place right now...

In the past few weeks, as usual, I had put God before everything I said and did. My decisions were based purely on Him. And somehow every one of those decisions has hit me hard on the face. Somehow, eventhough I chose to obey and make those decisions based on Him, it seems to have gone wrong the very moment I made those decisions. And I dun know why. When I choose to give someone hope, it gets thrown out the window. When I choose to be brave and tell the truth, no one takes it seriously. When I choose to love, I get shot at (not literally, of course)

*sigh* But I still know that I made those decisions based on Him. And I still know that He is good. Maybe I just need to wait a little while more.

Life shouldn't have to be this hard. It shouldn't be a struggle.

As far as my Dad is concerned, he has decided to take the most dangerous rehabilitation process. Its not something I approve of, but its his life, I can only advise, only he can make that final decision.

Tomorrow will be a better day I pray. I may not be getting results now, but I'll continue doing whatever God wants me to do, no matter how bad circumstances seem. He's my God... and I'm His boy...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Things haven't exactly been going right for me of late. Everything seems like a mess. The best part is, I preach to everyone that God is good even in bad circumstances. And recently, I just spoke to a group of people about how good God is, and just how little we realise that. We just don't realise how much we have.

The trait of human frailty? We dun appreciate the things we have till we loose it. Adam and Eve had everything they ever wanted. But they looked at the one tree of forbidden fruit and thought of God as bad. They thought He withheld from them something good. So in these circumstances, should I focus on the problems? or should I just look ard me and after putting things into perspective, realise that God is good in so many other ways.

The magnitude of a problem is only magnified by our constant attention to it. In a way, by concentrating on it, we seem to give it a life of its own. Think abt it, on days that are bad, we tend to dwell too much on the first bad thing that happened, and as we wallow in that situation, by not focussing on other things that are more important, we scew them up as well. Thus one bad thing leads to another and then we end up having a bad day.

Depression starts when you have a couple of bad days. Doesn't it ever surprise you that people with dissabilities seem to be less depressed than their able-bodied people. If only we could thank God for what we have all the time. Life would be more worth the living. It fills us with purpose and direction.

As I'm writing this, I'm preaching this to myself. Somehow, during the past few days, I started to look at the things that didn't really matter. I started to look at my life and focus on things that I didn't have. I decided that I was worse off cause I lacked all these things. But I'm able-bodied even if i'm not tall. I have a house even if its not a home. I have friends even if they are not always there. I am rich in so many things, even if I dun drive a BMW 6 Series Convertible. And I have a relationship with my Creator. There are billions out there in the world worse off than me. So I am thankful.

Recently, my dad was found to have dreaded disease. It shook me. My dad has always been health conscious. I have never seen my dad sick in my life. I must admit, it was difficult for me to see him like this. He's always been that strong guy to me. He led a tough life and though he is tough on the outside, the one thing I love abt him is how emotional he is. Heh, he's kind of an oxymoron.

The thing is, I never got to see him often. My parents were seperated when I was only 3 and so I hardly ever got to see him. It was always very difficult for me cause I loved my dad a lot. Every so often, we (me and my sis), would get a rare chance to meet him, or stay with him. And we would love it. You see, not having a dad ard is really hard. My mum was great, dun get me wrong. She did everything she could and she's lovely in every way, but at the end of the day, a kid needs both his mum and dad. A dad brings comfort in a different way that a mum does.

Well, all that is a different story altogether. Back to where I was. So it was difficult to see him like this. And somehow, I became a source of hope for him and my step-mom (hate using this term on her) and my half-sisters (hate using this term on them cause I love them so much). I have always had a tendency to remain positive even in tough situations cause of my trust in God and this positive spirit turned out to be something the family needed. Over the course of his operation and recovery, I had been that tower of strength to him.

Then just a few days ago, we found out that the ordeal wasn't over at all. And it was tough for me.

It wasn't easy being that tower of strength. I'll readily admit that. And now, I wasn't just that tower of strength. I was also asked to make really difficult decisions concerning the mode of my dad's rehabilitation process. It was difficult cause they all had their own side effects and these side effects were really severe. One of them had a 40% chance that my dad would permanantly loose his sense of touch! Thats how bad it was. And now I was being asked which one would I want him to take. And whatever I chose, the whole family would accept it. So you could say the burden was on me.

For the longest time in my life, I have been big brother to many people. I have been a big brother for my family, for my friends and my loved ones. I never really ever had a problem being there for people. But this time, the weight was too strong. And there were other issues that were bothering me as well at the same time (but we shan't get into that right now).

For the first time in my life, I wished I had a big brother. I didn't wanna play big brother anymore. I needed a comforter, a counsellor, a mentor who could give me the answers to life that I suddenly so needed. I must admit, for once in my life, I was lost.

And suddenly I longed for a mate. I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed someone to tell me that what I was doing was right. I needed someone to hold my hand and squeeze it. I suddenly wanted to be loved. I've been loving people so much and giving so much... but now I needed someone to love me like that. I couldn't take it anymore.

But alas, in my darkest moments, when I needed someone to be there for me, no one was. Those who promised to be there never picked up their phones. Alas, I was alone and stricken. Lost and dying on the inside. To everyone else, I was okay. I carried on with my work with a smile on my face, but with a heart that was desperately low on love. To make things worse, other problems I was dealing with suddenly became worse. I must say that I had never felt the way I felt yesterday ever in my life. I was on ground zero. I had nothing to give anymore. No love to give anymore. No life to give. Nothing...

(This will be continued tomorrow or whenever I can finish it, I'm too tired to write anymore tonight. The story is continuing even now. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day. My hope is in you alone God. Those who hope in You will not be put to shame)

Friday, February 03, 2006

Meant To...

To you who means so much to me, you know who you are...

Don't close your eyes, I'm right beside you
Don't be afraid, I'm never far
You and I were always meant to
Wake the dreamers from the dark
Come out, come out wherever you are

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


1 Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

1 John 4:8

... God is love.

Now everytime you see the word Love in the above verses, change it to God...

Only His Love can satisfy me, because God IS Love :)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Life Is Good

In the words of Jaime Cullum, "What a difference a day made"

I spent time today reforging old friendships again. It was great, the old jokes, the endless chatter, the fond memories. It was fun and I totally enjoyed myself. It was like finding myself again.

I found my laughter again. The little devilish streak returned and there I was up to my tricks again. I'm almost 25, but I was like a 15 year old all over again.

I'm starting to appreciate life again. I'm starting to acknowledge the personalities that have lighted up my life. And be thankful for all the new acquaintances that have been formed of late.

Not many people are as fortunate as me when it comes to friends. Many can only count a handful of 'True' friends when needs arises. As for me, I can be thankful that I have more than four handfuls of 'true' friends in my 25 years. I have been blessed indeed.

I am blessed indeed. And for that, I am grateful...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Hush Now

Where are you my hiding place?
Where is my refuge?
My strong tower, my city of stronghold
My temple mount, my deep sanctuary

I cannot seem to escape this marketplace
Oh' the noise, it drowns out my cries
'Save me!' the silence seems to scream
Who hears me? Who hears this melody of pain?

If only I could find a place of solitude
To hideaway, to rest, to replenish
To refresh, renew, and restore
'Take me away' I pray 'Take me away'

Can I find peace in the midst of a battle?
Can the phoenix rise from the ashes of despair?
Can I find peace in the eye of the storm?
Can I renew my strength like that of the eagle?

Hush now
I've found my hideaway,
My place of rest, my sanctuary
Amongst the din of this marketplace

cREED - Who's Got My Back

Run hide
All that was sacred to us
Sacred to us
See the signs
The covenant has been broken
By mankind
Leaving us with no shoulder...with no shoulder

To rest our head on
To rest our head on
To rest our head on
Who's got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
So what is the truth now?
There's still time
All that has been devastated
Can be recreated

We pick up the broken pieces
Of our lives
Giving ourselves to each other, ourselves to each other
To rest our head on
To rest our head on
To rest our head on

Who's got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
So what is the truth now?
Tell us the truth now
Tell me the truth now

Who's got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
So what is the truth now?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Errr, Happy New Year?

Okie, so this post comes 8 days too late. Can I say one of my new years' resolution is to stop procrastinating? :P

So a new year spells a new beginning and a chance to start afresh. People seem to make a big deal that a new year is the time to make changes. Its quite sad that we actually have to wait for an appointed time each year to make changes in our lives that make a difference to the year before. Its all in the mind people. But in a way, looking back at what you've done in the past year provides a proper time assessment of the achievements and failures that have beset you. And so, the appointed time to make some changes.

I think I want to be more thankful of the things that I DO have instead of complaining abt the things that I don't. Sometimes, a little perspective helps and in retrospect, life ain't that bad. But then again, a little more cash wouldn't hurt, and a nice car, and...

I read a fellow blogger's blog (my sec school teacher would be so disappointed in me right now) and some things she said really highlighted some of my downfalls of last year. I'm not gonna quote verbatim here but she said that she wanted to spend more time with the people who really mattered in her life. It's true isn't it, we tend to lose sight of the people who really do matter to us, who will always be there when lightning strikes (hopefully not twice) and who'll love you even if "you get disfigured in an accident." We're a very materialistic society and we tend to lose sight of the realities of life and invest our time, money and effort on things/people who don't really matter. So this year, I'm gonna make space for my true friends and loved ones.

Spiritually, last year was a good year. My walk with God has grown leaps and bounds and though there's still a long way to go, I just wanna thank God for being there for me, for loving me eventhough I'd broken His heart time and again. You know Lord, you've been so faithful to me, and this year, I just want to know you so much more. This year, I want what is your will in my life. And I just want you to know, that I know how much you love me, and that I love you too...
"You did not wait for me, to draw near to you, but you let me hear your voice calling me....."

The last resolution is, of course to never stop telling corny jokes.
What did one sushi say to the other sushi?

Saturday, December 31, 2005


What is it about dancing that allows me a this sense of eternal bliss? I feel freedom. I feel light. I feel happiness. I feel like everything is going to be okay, that everything is gonna be alright.

I went to a friend's wedding tonight. We danced the night away, and I loved every single minute of it. It feels like ol times again. Like when I was a teenager (gosh, that was 4 years ago!) and with boundless energy, we used to dance to every song like there was no tomorrow. People find their ecstasy in alcohol, I've found mine in dancing. I get high just dancing. I just absolutely love it.

I haven't danced like this in ages. I'd forgotten how to actually. I'd forgotten how much I actually love dancing. But I danced today, and then suddenly, I found myself again.


Monday, December 26, 2005


I was in Math class at the beginning of sec 2 when I came up with this statement. We were doing up our Math files and to give our files some personality, our Math teacher encouraged us to decorate them.

I was never really good in Art so I got a friend to do up my file for me. He asked me what I wanted on it. So I sat and thought abt it and then I came up with the statement. 'Life is like Math, You always have to solve problems'

So is life like Math? In a certain sense, it is. Problems are circumstances that can either mould you, or destroy you. The problem with life (no pun intended) is that unlike math, life teaches through Experience. And Experience is a harsh teacher. She gives you the exam first, then teaches you the lesson later.

For a very long time now, I've been mulling over a problem. An area (again, no pun intended) of my life that just doesn't seem to make sense. I've tried various ways to solve it. It's like cracking the code of a vault that I know holds treasures.

It's like destiny, I'm meant to have it, but I need some breakthrough. Sometimes, I get a ray of light from this moronic vault, and just when I think I have it, it closes shut again. It's as if for some reason, it's enjoying my utter frustration.

It's the end of the year exams. I'm sitting for my Math paper. There's this 10 mark question that I've been mulling over for quite some time now. In frustration, I slam down my pen. I've had enough of this. I look up and see my Math teacher looking at me from afar. Then I remember her words. "If you can't do a sum, don't waste too much time on it. Skip the ones you're stuck at, and carry on to the ones you do know."

In reality, there are many vaults that contain 10 marks in them. But sometimes, we just need to move on to the other vaults, cause the other vaults add up to 90 marks. I may not get this vault, but I can still get the distiction, if I learn to move on to the other parts. Besides, if there's time left, then I can always get back to the problematic vault. Sometimes, winning the war is more important than winning the battle.

I cannot mull over this problem any longer. It's no longer my problem. I'm giving it to God. I'm not going to fight this battle anymore. It's God's problem now. I need to move on. There are other areas that require attention....

There once was a cat who was told that its happiness was its tail. So the cat tried to catch the tail and the more he chased, the more it eluded him. So after a long time, he got fed up and didn't care abt it anymore. Then he found that as he walked away, the tail (his happiness) followed him...


MasterCard Moment

Christmas Lights At Orchard Road : $2 000 000
DKNY Shirt : $200+
Cans of Spray Foam : $10
Getting Sprayed by a Bunch of Banglas on My DKNY : Costly, very costly
Whipping Out My Cans and Spraying Them So Bad They Can't Even See Where There're Going : PRICELESS!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Here I am at home.

Typing away at my laptop.

Listening to "fix you" by coldplay.

I need the adrenaline rush.

But all I hear is the quite hush.

All my friends are out today. They're all clubbing. Here I am at home.

Why didn't I go? Work commitments?

Sometimes, I feel left out. Sometimes, I feel like I'm missing out.
Then I remember. I'm missing the smoke. I'm missing the music. I'm missing the dancing. I'm missing the restlessness. I'm missing the alcohol. Copious amounts of it. I'm missing the piss. I'm missing the vomit and the verbal diarrhea. I miss all the shadiness.

Then I remember...
I miss nothing...

Here I am at home.
Typing away at my laptop.
Listening to "Clocks" by Coldplay.
I need the adrenaline rush.
But all I hear is the quite hush.
All my friends are out today. They're all clubbing.
I've found my peace.
I've found my happiness.
Pain is relative. Remember that.
Happiness is relative. Remember that.
And I'm happy. Finally. Remember that...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

God is so Good!

Okay, I HAVE to thank God for being so good to me!

On Saturday, I had 3 shows (bhangra people, bhangra) so I had to rush from one to the other. We finished up the 2nd show and reached the 3rd one at 9pm only to be told that our number was to come on at 10! Seriously, after dancing at 2 locations already, I was more than ready to call it quits and just dump the show. However, the show organiser was someone I had collaborated with for the Chingay Procession this year. So I decided to talk to him to ask him to push our show to an earlier timeslot. He was very unwilling however. In a split second, I turned to Raju who was beside me and said, "OK, I'm gonna ask God for favour."

The organiser then looked at me a second time and said, "OK fine, you perform NOW"

Wow, if this isn't the favour of God, then I dunno what is. Thank you Father :)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Great Expectations

Was talking to a really close friend the other day and she was telling me about a conversation she had with another friend. In that conversation, her friend had said that it was better to not have expectations of anyone, cause then you'll never get upset when that someone doesn't live up to those expectations.

To which my friend replied that it's simply not possible not to have expectations of anyone. Especially those who are closest to you.

Now, the first argument in theory is a great idea. Dun have expectations of anyone. You won't be hurt when that someone doesn't live up to those expectations.

But personally, I really dun think that is humanly possible. Children expect to be loved by their parents. Husbands expect respect from their wives. And God expects us to be good.

I mean, let's face the truth, whether we like it or not, all of us are great expectors (word made up by me). You wouldn't naturally expect anything from a newly found friend. But when that friend becomes close, you would naturally expect from that friend wouldn't you?

So maybe, just maybe, the problem that we have is having great expectations of someone. And when that someone doesn't live up to those high standards, we tend to get dissapointed, disgruntled and irritated.

So is it true that when I love someone more, I expect more from that loved one? Are my expectations greater because my love is greater? Think about the people that you respect in your life. Respect is a form of Love. You only respect those you love, and you only love those you respect.

Maybe sometimes, I think I need to look at myself, and ask myself if I can live up to those expectations that I set on others. And if I can, then maybe I should accord some grace and be merciful. Afterall, these are my loved ones. If I cannot accord grace, then who will?

For God was gracious to me, a sinner.
I never lived up to His expectations.
But He still loved me anyway...

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
The courage to change the things I can...
And wisdom to know the difference...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

I'm Back!

Ok, more like i got my laptop back. Yeah, thats right, lappie (my laptop's name... my nano's called nancy) was sick so i had to take him to customer service. The nice man over the counter said lappie had some bad sectors in his hard drive so it caused some discomfort to his wireless lan. He promised to send lappie back once they were done observing his condition.

So now, after a year, my wireless is finally working and so i guess i'll be blogging more *applause* Yes, yes, thank yew very much.

Well, i just got my unlimited wireless starhub account up and running and now i'm at the Mac Donald's at SunPlaza. It's a mins' walk away from my house and it's open 24 hours so i guess i'll be spending more time here (Supersize me anyone? Ah who cares, Lyn happens to think i'll never put on weight :P)

Pssst. you know what i just found out? *whispers* The cakes at the Coffee Bean at SunPlaza is half price everday after 6! Is that like great news or what man? *Feels the jealousy* I feel for you people....

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Why is it everytime I seem to be starting to move on in my life, I seem to be dragged down all over again. Why can't I just live in happiness? And when I mean happiness, I mean the kind that lasts. Not the kind that comes for a while, that gives you hope, and then just flutters away and leaves you in a cauldron of mixed emotions.

Whats so hard? I just wanna be happy. For a long long time. I just wanna be happy for a looooooooonnng time. Sometimes, on my way home, when i look at the kids playing at the playground, i remember a time when nothing seemed to matter. As a kid, you never need to think so much. Even when you were sad, it would never last, and you just end up being happy.

*Sigh* I'm just so sick of this. Sometimes, I wonder whats the use of me being here. Not that I'm thinking of dying. But I do wonder whats my purpose here. So many questions, so little answers.

I know who I am in Christ. I know what He wants for me. I know the scripture. I know, I know, I KNOW! But I what I want to know is WHERE IS MY HAPPINESS? I want to be happy! Thats all Lord. I just want to be happy...

The pain is excruciating. I feel so lost. The melancholy has to stop. What have I done to deserve this? Where was my fault? Am I a bad person? Arrrrrghhhhh... Please stop this pain O'Lord. Please, I beg you. Haven't you tested me enough? I cannot take it any longer...

Just answer me I pray. Either rip out this hurting heart, or tear my spirit from this soul of despair. I would rather not have a heart, then have a heart in shreds.

But if you cannot, then turn my heart to stone. I would rather not feel. It is better to be numb. Then at least I can bleed and never feel the pain.

Listen to my cry.
Listen to my prayer.
Listen to my despair.
Listen Lord, can you hear it dripping?
It is the sound of a bleeding heart. Take me away. Bear me on your wings of love. It is better to be with you.

*Sigh* Oh desperate heart, why do you still choose to hope? See Oh Lord, see how this heart still clings on to you and the promises you have promised me. See how faithful this heart is? Does he hope in vain? Only you can answer that O' Lord.

Show Yourself strong, on behalf of those that are weak. Show Yourself mighty, on behalf of those that still hope on you.

"I will never leave you,
I will never forsake you,
I will never fail you..."

Great is your faithfulness O' Lord.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Love (Part 1)

I haven't really touched on very personal stuff as yet, but today, I somehow feel compelled to write about someone very close to my heart, and she knows who she is.

Hmmm, where do I even start with her? We met when she was 14 and me? 19. We met at a friend's party. A friend who BTW, liked me. So we went to her party and fell in love. I remember that day like it was a fairytale, like some bollywood movie. I was sitting across the hall with my friends and for some reason, she walked from across the other side of the hall to where I was to get some tidbits. I was smitten.

What was it about her that attracted me so much? I still wonder till today what is it about her that attracts me to her. I do have some answers, but not all of them.

We seem to have this way of communicating with each other without words. Is it cause we've been together for 4 years? Could be, but even from the start, we could do this. Sometimes, we can just not talk for a long while and just look at each other and understand exactly what we're thinking. Dun ever put us together for charades, you'll lose big time.

Ok, she just came online and comfirmed what I just said. And I didn't even tell her what I was typing! We can even read each other's minds through the internet!

The one thing I really love about her is when she acts cute with me when she wants her way. I guess every girl does that, but somehow, she's the only one that gets away with it with me. Sonya tries, and she gets away with anyone, but not with me. I'll just stare at her like stone and she'll get angry and say, "It's not fair, it only doesn't work with you"

Sometimes, I ask myself how things got the way they are now. In a way, I know He is in some way responsible for this. Not in a bad way. It happened for a reason. I'm a better person today because of what happened. And in a way, I kinda know how'll it'll end up. But the journey there sucks. It's like taking a 6 hour drive to Disneyland with 10 people in a 5 seater car. And the air-con just blew! It's extremely frustrating, nauseating, bothersome, worrysome and disgruntling. *sigh*

Where she wants to be right now and where I want to be seem to be clashing. For someone I know better than anyone else in this world, it's interesting that I just don't understand some of the things she does or sayz. And yet, there are times that I do. I don't blame her for wnating to be where she is right now. In fact, I'll even respect her decisions. But on my part, it gets confusing.

1 Corinthians 14:33 - For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

Confusion isn't the place where God wants me to be.
So I will hold my peace in Him. I will look not at the things of the world. I will stand firm in Him and His promises to me. I will get out of the driver's seat and let Him take over. And I will be with her, at the back, enjoying the ride.

And in no time, we'll be enjoying paradise...


Okay, I know I haven't been updating for a long long time and thats because my sis has been hogging the comp (doing schoolwork she sayz). But before I update on the events of my life the last few dayz, I have a very important statement to make. I hate, absolutely hate being tuahed!

Meaning of Tuah? According to the Jayster Dictionary, 2005 edition, Tuah "is the act of ditching someone at the last min (or last few hours) after making plans with them".

I'll take it one step further. Tuah involves making extensive plans, you getting excited about it and going all out to organize it and everyone making plans before that or after that and just tells you at the last min that they have something else to do!

I mean, if
1. You had something to do in the first place, why commit to make plans that clash?
2. You made plans AFTER we had agreed to make plans first, then you show ABSOLUTELY NO regard for our plans.
3. You let the relevant parties know at the very last min, you have NO respect for the other ppl involved.

The common reaction of someone when they're told that they've tuah others?
" I didn't really say yes to comming"
Read the key words in italics. Didn't really say yes?
'Yes' is an absolute word.
'No' is an absolute word.
'Maybe' is in the grey.
I mean would I go to lenghths to plan something because you said "maybe we should do this?"

The common reaction after they're labelled a tuaher (someone who tuahs lah)? Or being blasted for doing it?
" Okay let's do this, but I'm not confirmed yet. I already said first ah, I'm not confirmed coming yet"
So we're back to square one. Nothing is confirmed, cause everyone is scared to commit. So in the end, what we have is shoddy plans and everyone doesn't really have a good time cause all we do is stand around deciding where to go and not ending up anywhere fun.

In the words of Winnie the Pooh, " Oh bother..."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fire Tests Gold...

“These trials only test your faith to see whether or not it is strong and pure. Your faith is being tested as fire tests gold and purifies it.” 1 Peter 1:7

I Will Follow

Though I Know Not Where I Go
Though I Know Not What I Do
With Your Rod And Your Staff
I Will Follow You

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I Will Follow You

Though I Walk Through The Valley
Though I Know Not Where I Go
You Will Light My Path
And Lead Me Through O' Lord

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Quote: The True Joy of Life

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "This is the true joy of life: the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


This is a difficult topic for me. Forgiveness. How do you forgive someone who does you wrong? Wrong that you know you didn't deserve. Something that caused immense pain. How do you react when they say they're sorry? Or how do you react when they don't say sorry? How do you react when they don't seem to think that it's even their fault at all?

How about when the tables are turned? Suddenly, I'm the one at fault. I'm the one that caused harm. Do I say sorry? Should I just leave it? What if I dun think its my fault at all? What if I think I'm the victim instead?

It's never easy deciphering who's right and who's wrong. I'm not here to discuss that. But lets just say in the event that the one who did wrong owns up to it, and says sorry, is that enough? On many occasions, it never really is. " What are you going to do about it?" seems to be the question after a sorry.

The dictionary defines the word forgive in 3 ways
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

We seem to seek on many occasions a sort of payback. "What am I going to get in return for forgiving you? Don't forget, you hurt me bad."

Forgiveness has no terms. It's all or nothing. And don't expect anything in return for it. Don't forget, you are in the drivers' seat. You have the right to accord mercy, or not. To be merciful? Or to be merciless? That equates to being vengeful.

Easier said than done? Agreed! I always thought that forgiving someone meant saying I forgive you, and then bringing it up later. *sigh* How wrong I was. I was seeking revenge. I wanted them to know how much they hurt me. I wanted them to feel my pain, and in turn feel remorseful.

Even as I blog this, I am starting to feel a deep sense of regret. And in turn, I am staring to feel ashamed of my actions. On many occasions, God gave me the chance to be merciful, to forgive, but I chose to be vengeful. I chose to inflict the same kind of pain I received. And I was a hypocrite. I only said I forgive, but never meant to carry out the actions of forgiveness; which is to pardon, to renounce anger or resentment against that person and to absolve from payment of that wrong against me. *sigh*

To choose forgiveness, and by forgiveness I mean true forgiveness as I have just defined, is noble. It shows up the person as he or she really is. To put aside all the pain, the hurts, the anger and resentment is truly something that is to be admired. It surfaces the depth of that person's character.

I have only just begun to realise this truth of what true forgiveness is. I ask for forgiveness of those whom I have not properly forgiven. If I have in anyway made any of you feel horrible about hurting me, then I am truly sorry. As my Father in Heaven forgives me of all sins, I too will learn and forgive all who has wronged me.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Things Have to Change

I'm pissed. really pissed. I deserve better.
I'm sick and tired. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I deserve to be happy. Very happy.
Too much of Pain. Too much for too long.
And I'm not standing for it anymore.
Enough of this rollercoaster ride of emotions.
Enough of this schizophrenia of sentiments.
Enough of this melencholy.
Enough of this happiness.
Enough of this melencholy.

I deserve better...

Jesus, please don't pass me by

The sun charges up the mountain of the sky. The morning train rumbles through the station. The eternal routines of life sets in. I need something new this morning. I can't pray. I don't need another ritual. My dehydrated heart sends desperate signals. Waves of worry. Hopelessness. Resentment. Irritability. I need a drink.

This morning, my heart is troubled. I need answers. I'm flustered, disgruntled, and annoyed at anyone that gets in my way. "This isn't me," I tell myself. "I know I'm better than that."

I know I need Him. But I can't pray. I need answers today. But I'm not getting any. I know He won't talk to me when I'm like this. He talks to me when I'm resting, when I'm drinking in His love. When I'm swallowing His word. But I can't.

I take out my music player. I'm desperate now. The lyrics start to seep in.

"My heart it longs
My soul it thirsts for more
For more of You"

I've heard this song a million times before. But today its different.

"I'm reaching out
I'm waiting here for more
For more of You"

"Cause all I want is You
And all I need is to be here with You"

I'm paying attention now. Suddenly this song is singing my anthem.

"I'm hungry for Your fire
I'm desperate, You're my one desire
Jesus, please dont pass me by"

"I need You more than ever
I'm thirsty for a touch from Heaven
Jesus, please don't pass me by"

This is my heart's cry. I'm thristy. I'm hungry. I need you Lord. Where are you? What are you doing? Don't just dismiss me. If you're coming by my way, don't pass me by Lord. Suddenly I feel like the two blind beggers who "were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, 'Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!' (Matthew 20:30)

The song continues to echo my sentiments. It simmers into the bridge now.

"Don't pass me by Lord
I'm desperate for You"

Then my heart, filled with religiosity, questions the underlying message. "Why would God ever leave you? What a stupid song, why would Jesus pass you by? Why are you calling out to Him?"

Its the essence of the song. Yes, He will 'never leave me nor forsake me' (Deuteronomy 31:6).
Yes I know that 'When I pass through the waters, He will be with me, and when I pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over me. That when I walk through the fire, I will not be burned. That the flames will not set me ablaze.' Isaiah 43:2

But today is not about knowing...
Today is not about doing...
Today is not about praying...

Today is about lying down in green pastures...
Today is about reaching out to an eternal God...
Today is about drinking in His love...

And like those blind men, I'm found lacking. I'm found wanting. I'm found thirsty. And I need Him. And the Lord is passing by. Am I going to let Him go?

This time, I'm reaching out. Jesus, please don't pass me by. 'I'm hungry for Your fire
I'm desperate, You're my one desire'. 'I need You more than ever, I'm thirsty for a touch from Heaven'. Jesus, please don't pass me by...

'The crowd rebuked them (the blind beggers) and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" Jesus stopped and called them. "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked.

"Lord," they answered, "we want our sight."' (Matthew 20:31-33)

Then comes my favourite part...

'Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.' (Matthew 20:34)

And I got my answer...

"...If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." John 7:37-38

Like what water does to my body, He does for my soul. He trickles down the throat of my soul, flushing out my anxiety, my pains, my insecurities. My heart is moist again. My soul is calmed again. I called out to Him. And Jesus had compassion.

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:21-26

Monday, September 26, 2005


I got this in an email a while back, take a read...

The Devil's Convention
Satan called a world wide convention. In his opening address to his demons, he said, "We can't keep the Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from their values. But we can do something else."

"We can keep them from forming an intimate, abiding relationship experience in Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken."

"So let them go to church, let them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't gain that experience in Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do, demons."

"Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!" "How shall we do this?" shouted his angels. "Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent unnumbered schemes to occupy their minds, he answered.

"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, then borrow, borrow, borrow. Convince wives to go to work for long hours and husbands to work 6 or 7 days a week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon their homes will offer no escape from pressures of work.

"Overstimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still small voice. Entice them to play the radio or cd player whenever they drive, to keep the TV, VCD, CDs, and the PCs going constantly in their homes.

"Fill their coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, sweepstakes, mail-order catalogues, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes.

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted, disquieted, and unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out in nature to reflect on God's wonders. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and clubs instead."

"And when they meet for their spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences and unsettled emotion. Let them be involved in soul-winning. But crowd their lives with so many good causes that they have no time to seek power from Christ. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause."

It was quite a convention in the end. And the demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busy, busy, busy and rush here and there. Has the devil been successful at his scheme? You be the judge.

Satan's goal is to take our hearts and minds off Christ then steer us toward the cares of the world. God wants us to enjoy life, but He must be first! If we are too busy for God, then we are TOO BUSY!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bums of the Office

Here we are (me and kev).
Born to be Kings.
We're the Princes of the office. *music goes awry*
Well, thats when everyone else is away.

Just finished watching the last episode of One Tree Hill just now (yes, I watched it in the office). Very sad. *sigh* Made me think of things as usual. Somehow One Tree Hill makes me think more than any other show (as if watching The OC is gonna fluster any brain cells). Kev agrees. He watches it too. It's all his fault actually that I'm addicted. Damn you Kev.

How do they come up with all these one-liners? 'People always leave' or 'Sometimes they come back'. Or how about 'If getting what you want is tragic, then give me tragedy'. *sigh* Damn you One Tree Hill...

Saturday, September 17, 2005

My Dil Goes Mmmm...

Watched Salaam Namaste yesterday. Listening to My Dil Goes Mmmm now. Such an emotional roller-coaster. The plot was a tad bit weak. The twists and turns? Predictable. Chemistry? Ok la. But oh, what a loveable movie. Uplifting at times, yet so sad at others. Realities of life? Absolutely! You have no idea how many times it went up, then down, then up, then down again. What I loved about it was how real it was. So many times in the movie I was led to moments in my past that connected to the movie. When the song My Dil Goes Mmmm (you can so tell that was my favourite song from the movie right?) I was led to remember all the good times I've had with you know who la ;P No! Not Raju!

At the end of the movie, everyone was humming along to the tunes of the songs in the movie. I was humming along as well and just felt like dancing in the middle of nowhere. It does that to you. It's so uplifting, makes you feel like you're in love again *sigh* I'm a romantic, so sue me! (I'll probably romance you out of that one too :P)

Ok ok, so you want to know what the movie is about rite? You can make your way down to Heh, ok la, I'll tell you k? Set in Melbourne, Nick (Saif Ali Khan) and Amber -pronounced as Umbar (The ever irresistible Preeti) are two singles who are happy living their lives as that. Nick is a Chef who is late for an interview with Amber who is a Radio DJ on the station 'Salaam Namaste' (I can hear the Ooos and Ahhhs people, keep it down >:( Amber gets angry and slams him on live radio. So he calls her up on live radio to tell her off, but it turns out to be a fighting match and radio world is delighted. However, they happen to meet at a friends party and they click while not knowing who each other really is. To cut the long story short, they end up finding out who each other is, then they fall in love (and out and then in and then out... you get the drift). I dun want to get into too much detail but the movie is super funny and highly enjoyable. The 3 hours passed by without me feeling the numbness in my butt. So it has to be good right? It is, so go watch and tell me I'm right.

Oh, and try not to dance in the middle of nowhere after the movie!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

What Will I Choose?

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black.
The world is still asleep. The day is coming. In a few moments the day will arrive.
It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun.
The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day.
The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race.
The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands.
It is now that I must make a choice.
Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose…

I choose love
No occasion justifies hatred;
No injustice warrants bitterness.
I choose love.
Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.
I will refuse the temptation to be cynical... the tool of the lazy
I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God.
I will refuse to see any problems anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace
I will live forgiven. I will live to forgive.

I choose patience
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.
Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for getting a moment to pray.
Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.
Kind to the rich, for they are afraid.
And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness
I will go without before I take dishonest gain.
I will be overlooked before I will boast.
I will confess before I will accuse.
I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness
Today I will keep my promises.
My debtors will not regret their trust.
My associates will not question my word.
My wife will not question my love.
And my children will never fear that father will not come home.

I choose gentleness
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle.
If I raise my voice may it be only in praise.
If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer.
If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I choose self-control
I am a spiritual being.
I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control.
I will be drunk only by joy.
I will be impassioned only by my faith.
I will be influenced only by God.
I will be taught only by Christ.
I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

To Him I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek His grace.

And then, when this day is done,
I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians13:4-8


Great, we're moving house. Why am I so upset about it? Cause I just came back home after a 5 year exile (due to a fight with my step-dad). Why are we moving? Cause my parents are getting a divorce. I love this house, even though I've spent so much of time away from it. It's big, and spacious, and a home I can really be proud of.

Do I really have a say about things? No, not really. But at least I can complain... right? *sigh* I know this whole divorce isn't the nicest thing to happen to my mom and the last thing she wants is to move too. I really don't know how she does it. All her life, she's been abused either physically or mentally. First by her dad, then her first husband (my real dad) and then by her second husband. Where does she find so much strength to continue living the way she does?

I actually admire her strength and zest for life. She admits that getting this divorce is going to be difficult for her, but she says she needs to get it anyway. Why? Cause her children can't go on living with a violent drunkard man. But in effect, she's losing someone she loves. She's losing her companion in her old age. But she's doing it cause enough is enough and cause she loves her children. Thats what I call selflessness.

I mean, anyone in their old age could just throw a tantrum (yes even at that age) and insist that want to end up being with that person simply because of a fear of growing old alone. But my mom, even at this age, insists that she wants whats best for her children.

I love you mom. You're the best.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Party

Ever wondered how when bad things come, they turn up in a package? I mean, how is it that when something bad comes, it brings it's friends along and you end up having a pretty bad party.

I was having one of those parties over the weekend. Actually, it started on Wednesday and it just snowballed till Sunday. But the party climaxed over the weekend and boy, all i wanted was the week-to-end!

Stange thing about these parties? Everyone around you is having them too. So you can't really give them a call to help you out. So you decide to look upwards and *tadah!* you suddenly have an avenue to vent your frustrations on. "It's all His fault that I'm in this mess." "Why did You let all this happen?" "Stop helping the people in Somalia, I need help right now!"

Suddenly, God enters the scene. Who lets Him enter? We do. And when do we do so? When the 'bad times gang' turns up to PAAAARTAY! "You screwed up Lord, how could you let these *points to the gang* happen to me?" God is at fault. He screwed up. He messed up. And now you've invited Him over, He's at the scene finally, the culprit is finally here. But He's not allowed in, He's just here for an interrogation.
[J]: Why did you allow this to happen?
[J]: Where were you when i needed you to help?
[J]: Answer me! Whats wrong with you? Aren't you supposed to be good?

You know, David himself interrogated God on a number of occasions.

My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Psalm 6:3

He too felt anguish.

I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
Psalm 6:6

David knew anguish. David interrogated God. David let God into the party and God turned his situation around. Eh? What's that last bit? -Dun be lazy, it's in print, just read it again - In the same Psalm, David ends off with

8 Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.

9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.

10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

David knew only God could change his situation. Only God could turn mistakes into masterpieces. And although he was in anguish, and he interrogated God, he also decided to trust in Him.

What happened to David? What became of him? David overcame all who came against him. He defeated all his enemies. David became the most successful King Israel ever had. He wrote in Psalm 23:6

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

There was a new party in David's life. It was called 'The Goodness and Love' party. Timing? 'All the days of my life.' And it was held in the 'House of the Lord'. Chao people, I've got a party to go to.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

My First Blog - A Tithe to the Lord

Blessing- reflections from Psalm 67

Blessing… it’s something that every Christian has an interest in and a word that is bantered around so frequently! When someone sneezes, we bless them- at the end of a phone conversation, we bless the caller- we pray that God would bless food to our bodies and ask him to bless the needy and to bless our friends and families. What is blessing all about? Is blessing simply the Christian equivalent to the world’s wishing or is there something more to it? The blessing of God is often associated with the context of worship. The most appropriate place for blessing (according to the Old Testament) is at the end of a worship service. The prayer of blessing is a prayer for those who have gathered in worship that what they have received will go with them and infiltrate every area of their daily lives. It is like a bridge that joins the worship service with outside every day life. Israel fully intended to receive God’s blessing in going to the sanctuary to take part in “worship”. Mowinckel writes “through worship and all its rites, blessing was achieved, made secure and increased for individuals and for the community”.

Psalm 67 is a Psalm most likely to have been a prayer for blessing. A context where the Psalm may have been read was as a congregational benediction at the end of a worship service or other worship occasion. Deuteronomy demonstrates for us that God intended His blessing to empower growth, fertility and prosperity (Deut 7:13; 28:3-6). The blessing of God is His presence with us in every thing and always- it is His hand that sustains and His hand that provides. A.A.Anderson says that God’s blessing is “the active help of God Himself”.

This Psalm is an incredible prayer to pray for our own lives and for the lives of those with whom we will connect. It is a prayer that God would bless us in order that we would be used (by Him) to bless His earth and His people. The Psalmist’s cry in verse one that God would “mark us with grace and blessing” is a desire that through God’s activity in our own lives, people everywhere would come to know our Mighty God and Saviour. In this rich understanding of blessing, the often-perceived self-indulgent prayer becomes the most generous and outward looking desire.

In a similar sense, the shining forth of God’s face among His people (v1) is a metaphor for His goodwill and blessing. Proverbs 16:15 says “When a kings face brightens, it means life; his favour is like a rain cloud in spring.” A bright shining face reveals a person of good disposition and is a sign of inward pleasure. How much would we therefore seek the face of God in our lives- that at one glance of His face, we may never be the same again. When the Psalmist says, “Let all people thank and enjoy you”, we can only imagine that there will come a day when all people will know of the goodness of God and His saving power that sets humanity free.

The blessing of God is realised in our lives through many and diverse examples. The Bible teaches us that blessing can come in the form of posterity (Gen 26:23; 28:3), prosperity and wealth (Gen 24:35; Deut 7:12-13), land (Gen 35:12; 48:3), fertility, health and victory (Deut 7:14-16).

God’s blessing has a purpose in our lives for the sake of others as Psalm 96 so poignantly demonstrates. The Psalm is a prayer for salvation in the widest sense- for the whole world. This prayer looks upon the day that those who hear of our wonderful God and all that He gives and provides and allows, may in hearing choose to receive Christ and all His benefits- that they too may be able to thank and enjoy God! In this sense, join the Psalmist and pray that in your life, you too may be very blessed by Almighty God!

Taken From - The Official Website of Reuben Morgan