Happiness

Why is it everytime I seem to be starting to move on in my life, I seem to be dragged down all over again. Why can't I just live in happiness? And when I mean happiness, I mean the kind that lasts. Not the kind that comes for a while, that gives you hope, and then just flutters away and leaves you in a cauldron of mixed emotions.

Whats so hard? I just wanna be happy. For a long long time. I just wanna be happy for a looooooooonnng time. Sometimes, on my way home, when i look at the kids playing at the playground, i remember a time when nothing seemed to matter. As a kid, you never need to think so much. Even when you were sad, it would never last, and you just end up being happy.

*Sigh* I'm just so sick of this. Sometimes, I wonder whats the use of me being here. Not that I'm thinking of dying. But I do wonder whats my purpose here. So many questions, so little answers.

I know who I am in Christ. I know what He wants for me. I know the scripture. I know, I know, I KNOW! But I what I want to know is WHERE IS MY HAPPINESS? I want to be happy! Thats all Lord. I just want to be happy...

The pain is excruciating. I feel so lost. The melancholy has to stop. What have I done to deserve this? Where was my fault? Am I a bad person? Arrrrrghhhhh... Please stop this pain O'Lord. Please, I beg you. Haven't you tested me enough? I cannot take it any longer...

Just answer me I pray. Either rip out this hurting heart, or tear my spirit from this soul of despair. I would rather not have a heart, then have a heart in shreds.

But if you cannot, then turn my heart to stone. I would rather not feel. It is better to be numb. Then at least I can bleed and never feel the pain.

Listen to my cry.
Listen to my prayer.
Listen to my despair.
Listen Lord, can you hear it dripping?
It is the sound of a bleeding heart. Take me away. Bear me on your wings of love. It is better to be with you.

*Sigh* Oh desperate heart, why do you still choose to hope? See Oh Lord, see how this heart still clings on to you and the promises you have promised me. See how faithful this heart is? Does he hope in vain? Only you can answer that O' Lord.

Show Yourself strong, on behalf of those that are weak. Show Yourself mighty, on behalf of those that still hope on you.

"I will never leave you,
I will never forsake you,
I will never fail you..."

Great is your faithfulness O' Lord.